guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
