I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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