Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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