i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
