The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
