Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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