my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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