Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
