so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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