I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
