who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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