I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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