someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
