Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i dont even know how to be here
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
