Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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