Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
