You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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