I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
