quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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