I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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