i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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