Four minutes until I can fart!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
