I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
