i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
