woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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