She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
