you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
