i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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