Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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