3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
