If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
