He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
