I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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