his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
