Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
