i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
