I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
