I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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