I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
