Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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