My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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