Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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