I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize