We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
