I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
