I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
