I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
