Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
