First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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