I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
