at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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