ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
