....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
