so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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