I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
