The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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