You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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