Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
