I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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