My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
