TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
